Totally Random Spot just for Myself

What happened during the last few days was just a little overwhelming. 一直也都没有怎么用文字写下来也不知道动笔的时候会有怎么的复杂情感 至少这两天慢慢calm down. 不论如何 心情其实是总体来说好很多 不会继续的纠结和nagging

 

最伤感的可能还是Black Friday的早晨 把DVD还给他 里面夹着简短的note:

Hope nobody snatches the DVD…

Thanks for letting me know and I do believe it is the right decision for both of us.

Sorry for not hugging you the other day, So,

HUG…and like I said before, it is awesome to have a handsome friend.

Happy Black Friday!

 

回来以后Josh正对着龙猫们摆弄着吉他 然后忍不住的就落下泪来 我说play a song for me  他想了想 说 maybe this song is appropriate, hence, 菊花台变成了一首在生命中有意义的歌曲 而Josh 抱着吉他为我唱歌则可以列为迄今为止one of the most touching moments top10

 

 

本来说今天要去买本好看的journal, 每天坚持写日记 即使只是短短几句 跑了Barnes & Noble 还有Target 都没有看到自己喜欢的 (I am really picky I know that)  想到网上还有这么一个地方 就算recycle了吧 呵呵

 

Lunch: 很好吃的Sea Bass @ St. Paul Grill , Dessert的size超级huge

最大的收获还是学习了curling，it was a lot of fun! Here is the link from Wikipedia about Curling

Come to think of it, I really need to donate to Wikipedia. And this is what I am going to do now!

 

Check out: Listopgraphy, Three Cups of Tea

 

嗯 其实也不是很生气或者很难过或者怎样 就是觉得 啊 生活还真是波折 有那么一点点想哭有觉得连哭都懒  其实不也就是一包东西而已么 身外之物

可是有些东西就那样的失去了 甚至觉得有些荒唐 比如那个我并不爱的人送的手套和挂在书包上的可爱的小老鼠 与他早就没有关系 只是一直有着 所以不舍的丢弃 

我应该去睡觉了 好好睡一觉就好了 
任性的哭一下也没有关系吧 毕竟我平常也会哭 可是遇到这种事情反而不愿意让自己哭出来 好像哭出来伤心就会止不住一样 
突然就觉得很孤独 自己追求的想要的都是那样的可望不可及 跟现实生活的差距如此巨大 或者还是自己不够努力很懦弱
一直一直会回到自己的城堡 可能一辈子一半的时间都会住在里面 但是我没有办法长时间离开那里 那里是我生活继续的原动力之一 不愿意也不能够离去 

我就是只发泄一下而已 我不想当24小时的好好小姐对谁的笑眯眯 我需要有人告诉我我有权利不开心 即使愤怒也没有关系
还好一些东西可以让自己很安心 即使想到会心疼 我也感恩知道它们的存在 虽不能看得见摸得着 但我知道一直都在那里 了解它们也相当于认识自己 像找到自己灵魂拼图的一块 才觉得是件很奇妙的事情 那种心灵的共鸣可以清晰的感觉到 如心跳一般 所以很开心去接受去继续探索 （绝对不是宣扬宗教信仰）  
 
Maybe I can hold on to them for my life because I believe in them, and that's enough 

Now, get some sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day. 
Indeed, this world itself is a magical place. So be thankful you can open your eyes and see the sunshine 
There you go, Sagittarius Girl !

终于看完了Harry Potter 从第一本到现在也过去将近十年 下个月第六部电影（今天听说推后到明年了）上映也一定会去看 虽然我始终不是一个Harry Potter fan  最后一本说实话不太适合小孩子看 不过当年追着Harry Potter的孩子们现在也长大了吧 知道一些确实存在的现实社会阴暗面也没什么不好

 

这套书最吸引我的还是各样的魔法小细节而非主线剧情 JKR塑造这个魔法世界其实早存在我们的想象中 不管是通过其他奇幻作品还是simply对未知能力的渴望 不过她很细致的具象化了我们的fantasy

 

But this blog is dedicated to HIM---Severus Snape

 

I don’t wanna repeat what’s already there in the book: that strict, cold, dark-eyed Potion Professor who always stares Harry with mixed feelings, that bright, good-will half-blood prince so mysterious and talented, that lonely, arrogant double spy with unbelievable heavy burden and everlasting deep love

I don’t really wanna discuss if he died in vain or not (I’ve seen a lot of opinions) or question why he did not struggle at all since his magic power seemed to be just behind Voldermort and Dumbledore (read this in a published analysis today).  I am not even trying to say that he is a super-hero, let alone persuade others to believe he is selfless or is a great person ( saw a lot of people say his intention of protecting Harry is not the same as others like Weasley’s, Lupin and Sirius.  True, but he is the only one that had reasons to hate Harry, but decided to put love above hatred and stuck up for it all along ; and he is one that endured most suffers and accomplished what others could not.  This alone makes him respectable) He is a human being though a wizard, not a saint. In the end (cruelly), he is just a figure in a child/teen novel that is not perfectly reasonable and does not have answers to every whys.

 

However, andoubtfully, Snape is my favorite in HP series

Well, 我向来喜欢忍辱负重的角色 这样的人才是真正坚毅而执着的 才真正知道想要的珍惜的是什么 （Hmm, I don’t know an English phrase that best express “忍辱负重” so it is best to say it in Chinese. But I’ll translate just to have this all in English.  Actually, I am not sure why I am writing this in English. Strangely, I tried Chinese first, but stuck after a few sentences.  Somehow the words seem fake and mask the sincere feelings inside. I think I always have problems express emotions using Chinese; it stops me from saying things I really wanna say. Someone tell me why? Okay, English translation(I am doing my best, I am terrible at translating): I’ve always loved characters that burden much for what they believe in and fight for because those people are truly gritty and persistent, and they know how to treasure what is really valuable. Severus Snape almost overqualifies this personality.

 

What I can’t get over is his loneliness, especially at his teenage age.  I feel like I’ve experienced the same thing. And after all these years, it is still deep down there. 

I remember being a ten-year-old girl in a new school, I didn’t understand their language but I knew they were laughing at my shabby bicycle and winter coat.  I remember the scene vividly and I remember how my heart sank and all I wanted to do was going away.  I was all alone for a long long time…

I can still hear the words from her and laughter from others. I’ve long forgiven, and I know they might mean no harm. But inevitably, it hurt like crazy, it hurts even now, and all I could do was hiding and pretending. Coward? Maybe, in a way. But are you supposed to be battling with your class headmaster in highschool when she criticized you of “being in love too early and being a bad example for fellow students” in open? Especially when you are in a good school where everything you should do was study, study and study? What other choices did you have other than performing occulemency?

He has every reason to hate James; I hated my class headmaster so much I used to tear up something to quench my anger every time I thought of her.  Actually, I was angry at everybody as if all of them saw me as a laughing stock in their boring everyday study life and tried making me miserable. 

I guess all I wanna say is reading through his earlier life just brought everything up and I know exactly how he felt.  It is just so sad, TOTALLY sad. 

 

For me, all is better now. I’ve gone to good college, made new friends. Then came to the States and just got a very satisfactory job.  I’m still young and alive, I am healthy and so are my families. It is only lately I began to realize I am a lucky kid after all, and I need to learn to be appreciative.

But then, it is so hard to see HIM still trapped in darkness and there’s absolutely no way out. Even worse, he was doing things that made himself even more painful, more hated and more isolated, things only he was capable of doing and at the same time, the only things he could do (One hell of redemption!).  Perhaps for HIM, it is not as bad as it seems to us because he has that one last thing to hold on to, to give HIM hope and strength --- Love for Lily.

Again, that’s the good thing about being in a character created, isn’t it? What, in reality, can we hold on for 28 years? What can be our source of courage and passion, and the ultimate reason to live this life? 

 

My heart still aches and couldn’t even reread “Prince Tale”. I know death is a relief for HIM (though I still refuse to accept it emotionally, guess there will be picture of his solemn face hanging around, that’s why I am reading tons of fanfiction these days) and he saw what he wanted to see at last. 

I will have to wipe out my tears and start working on what I should have done a week ago. Life goes on and I feel so amazingly complete at this early winter night because of him. I wrote a short sentence for the other character that I adore and respect, and I think it applies to HIM just as well: now that I know who you are, I know who I am.

May peace and love stay with HIM and everyone of us

 

 

           ---To Severus Snape, 
                                      the one and only Half-Blood Prince

 

其实纽约是个很脏乱差的地方 玩了五天并没有太多好感 没有一处地方让我像看到巴黎铁塔那样惊奇 
最好的view是从新泽西回来看到的夜景 最让我欣慰的地方是在纽约我的英语还算不错

只是回到美国小镇貌似安心的坐在图书馆里才会觉得自己还是适合大都市 于是开始miss北京上海 只有在那样的地方才能感觉自己是alive的 是有激情的 即使有时候可能会在高楼之间迷失方向 
在这个温软的小地方 无论人或事 都偶尔让我有将窒息的绝望愤怒 好像青春期想要摆脱无形束缚的冲动又起死回生在心里张牙舞爪  

PS: 玩了一圈还是觉得杜莎夫人蜡像馆最有意思 ^_^   不过门票价值不菲 打了折扣还30多刀

 

其实自己是有其他blog的　更新率大概按月计算　其间删过一次因为过了段时间再看的时候发现总体风格偏negative和神经质　不仅对自己而且对看blog的认识的友人都没有什么积极意义　之后的内容就向上了很多　

在blog上不完全写出自己真正想法是大家都有的共识　可有时就觉得特累　觉得这个说这个不好说那个也不合适　归根结底还是浏览的人大多为熟识的朋友　而人都是需要带着面具生活　喜欢The Phantom of the Opera中的Masquerade那一段　多少也有这样的原因　

所以这里blog title随手写成Totally Random Spot just for Myself 
只是想找一个没有人认识自己的地方　Be Myself 　自私自我一点不用顾虑它人的想法也可以对自己坦诚　满足自己小小的倾诉欲　有时陌生人是你故事最好的听众因为他们不带有色眼镜　
最主要的原因是字写的太难看了　糟蹋日记本　

中秋节　实习结束　一个人坐飞机　
已经第七年没有在家过中秋了　突然有一点点想吃莲蓉双黄月饼